It sucks not having any friends. Real friends I mean, shoulders to cry on and such. I have no outlet, I get angry and I can't do anything but choke it down. I get sad and I can't do anything but choke it down. If I get angry it just leads to a bunch of troll comments like "U Mad?" or "Cool story bro." If I talk about what's got me down I either get ignored completely or people get mad at me.
It's suffocating in ways I don't even know how to describe. Like being locked in a tiny cell and no one will listen. Or worse, they are listening and just using what I say as ammunition against me. Where am I supposed to go? If I'm angry or sad, I can't talk to me family. My mom will just start crying about how she was a bad mother, my step dad is too loopy because of his bad liver that he doesn't take care of. At all. And my biological dad? That guy, he's okay in small doses. But man. I can't say as he's ever really done anything for me.
Maybe I'm starting off on the wrong foot in life. I don't know, but I feel like I've always been in a storm occasionally passing through the calm of the eye before being sucked back out into the thick of it. The fact that any of this even bothers me, bothers me. I know there are people out there who have lives rougher than I do. Not because of any choice they made either, but just by the cold indifference of the real world.
It just makes me think, how whiny am I that I can bitch about having no one to listen to me. I have a roof over my head. I have food to eat. I have a nice computer and internet connection. But still I can't help but find myself in these jags where... You know, really the only reason I don't just stab myself in the neck with my door locked is because I don't want to make my mom depressed.
I guess it helps to post these thoughts here, a little. But it still feels like I'm being strangled and the words just won't come out because there's no one to listen. Do I want someone to hear my pointless bitching? Heck yes. But I can't talk about it with anyone, I've tried. They just ignore me. Even the stuff I'm proud of gets ignored.
I don't know why. It could be that I'm just not important enough, just a background character in the lives of other people. That seems the most likely. I think so anyways. People will tell me at great length their plans, what frustraights and excites them. I listen as best I can, and honestly I don't want anything in return.
I just wish people weren't so callous these days, I guess.
